Is that not love?

How can you sum up what love in a few words? I don’t think its possible… love is so many things and more than all those things it happens when a person evokes something within you that changes your life so profoundly and extremely that you begin to exist in only two time frames; the one that existed before that person entered your life and the one that exists now.

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There was an energy that existed between us which was not only undeniable to us but to everyone who saw us together. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, we were each other’s favorite company. The affection, adoration and sexual energy was palpable. I was filled with passion and benevolence for him, I would and did everything and anything for him. I wanted him to succeed, be happy and have everything he desired. He became my reason for being, my partner in crime, my best friend and confidant. My lover, my husband and the one I imagined would be the father of my unborn children. Our hearts, body’s and souls where intricately intertwined unrestricted by time and space, he was my home and I his.

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It is only those who have been married that understand loving someone who hurts you so intensely that you question everything, all your choices and decisions. Because only the people you really love can damage you to the point of breaking… and then love you afterwards as you forgive their blunders… if only we could also forget.

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Love’s ideals of respect, sympathy, sexual attraction and kindness are just that, ideals, a vision one aims for. The reality is that love is messy and sometimes painful because we are human and we mess up. Nobody is perfect and when you spend that much time together you are bound to hurt each other, you bring out the best but also the worst in each other… but there are two types of hurt one inflicts, unconscious actions, which to me have always been forgivable. Then there are conscious choices and those then move the relationship out of integrity and into abuse. For how can a person who claims to love someone consciously harm, hurt and even damage them in anyway? But even the unimaginable is possible. I know this because I loved my husband and as much as he knowingly hurt me, I know he loved me too, as much as he was capable of at the time. When I finally ended our relationship he told me I didn’t love him unconditionally and I had promised to, I replied: “I do love you unconditionally, I love you with all your cracks and faults and all your brilliance… I just can’t allow you to damage me anymore.” Leaving had nothing to do with a lack of love, it had to do with self preservation.

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That was almost five years ago and although I don’t want to be with him in the same way as we were before, to this day, I still only wish only the best for him, I still wish him a good and happy marriage, a family of his own and success in every area of his life. He has finally met another woman and I am filled with gratitude that all is well in his life. I hold no resentment or grudges, no uneasiness of contempt… She is the better fit and because of our relationship he is a better man. I am grateful for being a part of that and for all that we learnt together. I know this makes me freakishly unconventional to the masses but it is my truth, I left knowing I had given it my all, there was no effort to demanding, no possibility that I didn't explore to save our marriage, so although it was the hardest death I have ever lived through, I am at peace with where I am now.

 

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In life we only have two things, our perspective and our reaction to our perspective and a shift in perspective is a miracle because it causes a ripple effect throughout all area’s of our lives. I chose to see every single thing that happened to me, "good" or "bad" as a gift, a precious generous offering, guiding me to constantly be expanding, constantly growing into the most genuine version of myself I can be.

So although it sometimes lacked respect, empathy and trust, it spanned over fourteen years and we had the privilege of growing together, of witnessing every aspect of each other become more than what we once were, more than we had been before we come into each others lives and yes, it has ended, but is this not love?