How can you sum up what love in a few words? I don’t think
its possible… love is so many things and more than all those things it happens
when a person evokes something within you that changes your life so profoundly
and extremely that you begin to exist in only two time frames; the one that
existed before that person entered your life and the one that exists now.
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There was an energy that existed between us which was not
only undeniable to us but to everyone who saw us together. We couldn’t keep our
hands off each other, we were each other’s favorite company. The affection,
adoration and sexual energy was palpable. I was filled with passion and
benevolence for him, I would and did everything and anything for him. I wanted
him to succeed, be happy and have everything he desired. He became my reason
for being, my partner in crime, my best friend and confidant. My lover, my
husband and the one I imagined would be the father of my unborn children. Our
hearts, body’s and souls where intricately intertwined unrestricted by time and
space, he was my home and I his.
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It is only those who have been married that understand
loving someone who hurts you so intensely that you question everything, all
your choices and decisions. Because only the people you really love can damage
you to the point of breaking… and then love you afterwards as you forgive their
blunders… if only we could also forget.
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Love’s ideals of respect, sympathy, sexual attraction and
kindness are just that, ideals, a vision one aims for. The reality is that love
is messy and sometimes painful because we are human and we mess up. Nobody is
perfect and when you spend that much time together you are bound to hurt each
other, you bring out the best but also the worst in each other… but there are two types of hurt one inflicts, unconscious actions, which
to me have always been forgivable. Then there are conscious choices and those
then move the relationship out of integrity and into abuse. For how can a
person who claims to love someone consciously harm, hurt and even damage them
in anyway? But even the unimaginable is possible. I know this because I loved
my husband and as much as he knowingly hurt me, I know he loved me too, as much as he was capable of at the time. When I
finally ended our relationship he told me I didn’t love him unconditionally and
I had promised to, I replied: “I do love you unconditionally, I love you with
all your cracks and faults and all your brilliance… I just can’t allow you to
damage me anymore.” Leaving had nothing to do with a lack of love, it had to do
with self preservation.
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| https://thechildlessstepmom.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/rock-bottom-the-solid-foundation.jpg |
That was almost five years ago and although I don’t want to
be with him in the same way as we were before, to this day, I still only wish
only the best for him, I still wish him a good and happy marriage, a family of
his own and success in every area of his life. He has finally met another woman
and I am filled with gratitude that all is well in his life. I hold no
resentment or grudges, no uneasiness of contempt… She is the better fit and
because of our relationship he is a better man. I am grateful for being a part
of that and for all that we learnt together. I know this makes me freakishly
unconventional to the masses but it is my truth, I left knowing I had given it my all, there was no effort to demanding, no possibility that I didn't explore to save our marriage, so although it was the hardest death I have ever lived through, I am at peace with where I am now.
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In life we only have two things, our perspective and our
reaction to our perspective and a shift in perspective is a miracle because it
causes a ripple effect throughout all area’s of our lives. I chose to see every
single thing that happened to me, "good" or "bad" as a gift, a precious generous offering, guiding me to constantly be expanding, constantly growing into the most genuine
version of myself I can be.
So although it sometimes lacked respect, empathy and trust, it spanned over fourteen years and we had the privilege of growing together, of witnessing every aspect of each other become more than what we once were, more than we had been before we come into each others lives and yes, it has ended, but is this not love?
